A Nursery Lesson

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could wank. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch.

Hare wanked for a while and then paused to rest. He looked at Slow and Steady and cried out, "How do you expect to win this race when you are wanking at your slow, slow pace?"

Hare stretched himself out and fell asleep, thinking, "There is plenty of time to relax."

Slow and Steady wanked and wanked. He never, ever stopped until he came.

The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare.

Hare stretched and yawned and began to wank again, but it was too late. Tortoise had finished and was smoking a cigarette.

After that, Hare always reminded himself, "Don't brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!"

I'm an interior designer...for cartoons.

Don't wander into your basement, kids! It's scary down there! Watch out for those hazardous chemicals...

Heh heh, this is yet another background for the kid's safety show I'm working for. I'm loving blending colors, effects, and textures in Photoshop to create these environments. The characters on the show will be interacting with them. I can't post anymore right now, but when they're done shooting the series, I'll showcase more!

Lip Service

Recently, several friends and I embarked on an EATING ADVENTURE at the notorious Lips restaurant nestled deep within the West Village! Whether you live in New York or you're just visiting, I highly recommend it. I'd gone years ago and worried that this past Friday's visit wouldn't live up to the amazing time I had the first time around, but once the Cosmo-tini's got flowing and the "ladies" started performing, I knew I had nothing to worry about.

As you can tell from the photo above, yours truly was so soused, I couldn't keep my grubby paws off our "sweet and demure", little server. We were all highly impressed by her ability to take our orders, keep our Cosmo-tini's filled to the brim, and perform a show-stopping number in the middle of the dining room floor - all in 6" heels!

Perhaps as a pay-back for copping a feel of her busomy chest, I was dragged into the middle of her performance and promptly stripped of my shirt, shoved onto my knees, and forced to lick/eat whipped cream out of her crotch. There's pictures of all of this, but I deemed them too inappropriate for my blog...considering I'm too classy and demure to post that! I'm shy, people, what can I say?

But, I hope you enjoy the rest of these images from our evening. It's a night in the life of several fun-loving manhatten-ites, who I'm lucky to say are my friends. Included in the group is (based on the following pic, left to right): Yours truly, Lee (our visiting Brit) , the fabulous Dustin, her charming younger sister Purdum, the Elegant Susan, and last but not least, the ever vivacious and alluring Alea. Thanks for being so much fun, you guys! I feel surrounded by good people since moving to New York.This is a night I'll remember!

Gimmie Gimmie Octopus!

As I work on the children's puppet show, I find myself looking at other puppet shows for inspiration. While looking, I came across this: Gimmie Gimmie Octopus


It's gotta' be the WEIRDEST darn kid's show I've EVER seen. Watch and be amazed...how did this ever get made???

Eat your vegetables!

Here's another sketch from the show I'm working on. It's a doctor's office. This is the closest I'll get to a doctor's office anytime soon, until I get health insurance! Ahhhh...the life of the freelance artist!

Slice of my Life

I've been doing quite a bit of walking lately: to the subway, to work, to restaurants, to galleries. I'm constantly inspired by all the new things surrounding me. This is especially true about the area I live in. I threw together a few visual "slices" for my friends and family back home who are wondering what my neighborhood looks like. I live right around the corner from the Lincoln Center Opera House on the Upper West Side. On various days, depending on the time and the street corner, I'm surrounded by Opera-goers, Julliard and Fordham Students, Columbus Circle shoppers, and streams of professionals off to the subways. I can't wait until it gets warmer, because I'm a few blocks from Central Park! I feel lucky to have ended up in this area, because it's so beautiful, safe, and affluent. It's been great!

The images above, show the area around the Columbus Circle intersection (on the Southwest corner of Central Park, just a few blocks from my apartment).

Burnt

We got a little taste of Spring during the past few days here in New York. It was sunny and mild all over the city. I even got a little sun, just sitting out at a cafe for lunch! I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed my face was all pink. It's my first burn of the season, and I'm glad I live in a city where having a deep, dark, Summer tan isn't the first thing on everyone's mind.

Ever since I was little, I've had fair, fair skin. It burns SO EASILY! Of course, I didn't help things by staying indoors most of the time, drawing at my art desk. But growing up in the South, even if you're just a little bit fair, you'll eventually be chastised for not achieving a deep, dark, golden, crusty tan. People pride themselves on it. I was even told by a group of trendoid, Atlantan fags to "catch some rays, man!" Apparently, to some people, not having enough color on your cheeks is an offense to their eyes, and they will go out of their way to tell you. I thought all the "whitey" and Casper" nicknames ended in middle school, but apparently not. I was shocked to be told that openly, in a group of supposedly open-minded, urban peers.

I was shamed into trying out a tanning bed for the first time. I guess it wasn't so bad...and maybe people would finally shut the hell up concerning my usual, blinding white glow. But boy, what a waste of time...and money...and did I say time?! Why is it the requirements and regimes for "beauty" are so damn boring? I'm happy to say I didn't keep it up for long. I saw a little difference, but my skin just didn't "take" like other people's.

But, you know what? I no longer feel like caring. While Atlantan homos walk around, all looking the same with their golden brown, leathery skin, I can sit comfortably in New York, surrounded by so many different colors of people, no one will bat an eye. And besides, who wants skin cancer anyway?

Check out my little illo on the subject. That dude's fried!

Mindless work is for the birds...

...I'd rather get paid to draw pretty pictures any day!

I am an artist, dammit!!! (insert image of me sulking with a black shirt and French beret) I am not a computer technician, factory drone, or programed robot! (See Robokopf and you'll understand. While you're there, check out Gothbot, too. Priceless.)

After slavishly paying my dues digitally painting Barbie hair, frame by boring frame, it's nice to get a gig where my mind and imagination (gasp!) are being called upon for work. I'm having a blast coming up with background sketches for the kid's show I'm working on. Here's an example above. It's a rough version that will be finalized later in the computer. Birds' wings really work like that you know...

Anguish illustrated through hair...

Photo courtesy of The Gilded Moose

For those of you who have seen Brokeback Mountain, and share my fascination with Anne Hathaway's gradual mental breakdown, expressed by her transforming hairstyles in the film, then you MUST see the "Anne Hathaway Historical Teaching Guide"!!!

It's an old post, but it's still quite funny, and worth showing all you great people who haven't seen it yet:
The Gilded Moose

Awwwwwwwwww...

Ya gotta' be nice to all the little creatures, people. One day they might join together and peck and scratch your flesh off.

Everyone's a little bit racist...except me, of course.

I've been designing more and more characters for the tween t-shirt line, and I have a question concerning my recent creation: is it racist the way I used this little black (or mixed?) girl to illustrate the word "Loquacious"?

In my client's "educational word" line of shirts, Loquacious means "very talkative", and the definition of the word is printed on the back of the shirt. (Other shirts from this series feature little girls next to other words, such as "Humanity", "Clandestine", "Capricious", etc.)

The thing is, I want to represent all types of little girls in my designs, without seeming overly PC. I've depicted girls with different skin tones for the different shirts, and this "Loquacious" character ended up being black. My client thought, out of her word series, this word would be cute to use with a black girl. I suppose she felt the word would easily lend itself to a little black girl's name. But is that racist - or hip in a ghetto fabulous Lil' Kim's reprazented kind of way? Even though "Loquacious" may sound a little "Bronx", I think my character looks much more Upper-West-Side-Cosby-ish. I created two designs for this shirt, as you can see above, because we were worried that using a black girl for this design might rub some people the wrong way. What do you think? I certainly didn't mean for it to be an issue...I just like drawing these sweet, sassy little characters.

Those who gamble...and gamble...and gamble...eventually lose.

This is an illustration I did about the risks involved with unsafe sex. I'm worried that it's a bit harsh and judgemental, yet I really wanted to use the gambling metaphor. Maybe it's just that the gambler looks so crazed...

Wow, man...like...dreamy...

Forget about your favorite band, Cream!
Make room for "Dream"!

Apparently, "tween" girls are taking over. They have such buying power! This is a "tween" girl version of a retro rock poster. I was comissioned to design it for a local woman who's setting out to target the tweens with her new t-shirt fashion line. I'm hoping to see some nice royalties roll in per shirt...we'll see. I created a bunch of designs, so hopefully, I'll see 'em on the tween girls of New York soon! I think I know a few guys who'd love to squeeze into these shirts as well...